Perfectionism is “Gucci” Anxiety and Shame!

I heard from somewhere that perfectionism is just a fancy term for anxiety. While reading, Brené Brown’s Atlas of the Heart on perfectionism, she states:

“Shame is the birthplace of perfectionism. Perfectionism is not striving to be our best or working toward excellence. Healthy striving is internally driven. Perfectionism is externally driven by a simple but potentially all-consuming question: What will people think?” 

Brown discusses how perfectionism thwarts mastery by killing curiosity and a growth mindset. Perfectionism is striving to earn the approval and acceptance of others, yet one never feels good enough often leading to depression, anxiety, paralysis, and addiction behaviors.

Perfectionism is self-destructive and an unattainable goal. Perfectionistic tendencies are often rooted in childhood where one was praised for achievement and performance. One’s since of worth becomes intertwined with how others perceive them rather than an internal sense of capability and healthy striving for self-improvement.

Ways to build shame resilience according to Brown from Atlas of the Heart:

·      Recognizing shame and its triggers.

·      Practicing critical awareness. Reality check yourself?

·      Reaching out. Own and share your story and feelings.

·      Speaking shame. Talk about what you feel and need.

PARENTING TIP: When interacting with children or while parenting, one of the greatest gifts you can offer is to avoid praise and instead offer encouragement. For example, if a child comes home with an A on a test:

Praise = “Great job. You’re smart. I’m so proud of you.”

Encouragement = “That’s something to be proud of! Your hard work paid off.”

Notice the external voice of praise and the internal focus of encouragement. We want to cultivate inner resources for our kids, not make their sense of worth dependent on recognition from others.

If you struggle with perfectionistic tendencies, are driven by what other people think, or want to learn more about encouraging versus praising kids, Coriander Living Collective is here for you! Reach out.