Bibliotherapy: LOVE SENSE: The Revolutionary New Science of Romantic Relationships by Dr. Sue Johnson
I saw Dr. Sue Johnson speak years ago in California, she’s the founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), the most evidenced supported couples therapy, studies supporting 70-75% efficacy for despairing couples! As part of my Open Floor, Therapy in Motion, Shifting Focus Group, we were asked to read this book while on summer break. WOW! It’s a treasure!
In Love Sense: The Revolutionary New Science of Romantic Relationships Dr. Johnson shares how “Love is vital to our existence” and highlights the research to support that statement. She expresses concern “A tsunami of loneliness, anxiety, and depression is sweeping through Western societies.” She states that love is not a mystery, that belief is a disservice and leaves us feeling helpless in romantic relationships, “What you understand you can maintain, repair, and even enhance.” She urges ”we have to learn to turn toward each other and reveal our fears and longings” and describes a process of interrupting and dismantling destructive sequences and then constructing emotionally open, receptive ones.
“A good relationship is better health insurance than a careful diet and a better anti-aging strategy than taking vitamins. A loving relationship also is the key to creating families that teach the skills necessary to maintain a civilized society- trust, empathy, and cooperation. Love is the lifeblood of our species and our world.”
Love is not a mystery: science supports our first human instinct is to seek contact and connection, adult romantic love is an attachment bond, secure attachment leads to great sex, and emotional dependency is our greatest strength.
Per Dr. Johnson, traditional couples therapy either takes an analytical or practical approach and misses the fear that the bond is diminishing.
The erosion of a couple’s bond begins with the absence of emotional support. The conflict that ensues is a demand for emotional re-engagement. “Are you there for me when I need you? Will you put me first?” is what we all need from our partners. If the answer is no or I’m not sure, it can trigger a sense of primal panic that is hard-wired in humans, the fear of abandonment.
“The greatest gift a parent has to give a child- and a lover has to give a lover- is emotionally attuned attention and timely responsiveness.”
Successful couples: acknowledge hurt, regret, distance, and use humor and touch while talking. The best way to regulate emotions is to share them.
“You can eat special organic and gluten-free foods, gulp down multivitamins, get yourself to the gym, and meditate into a stress-free zone, but the best tonic for staying healthy and happy into old age is probably toning up your relationship.”
What are you doing to tone up your relationship? Is your partner there for you when you need them? Are you there for them when they need you? Coriander Living Collective is here to support your health in relationships even though we do not treat couples. Search for an EFT Therapist here.
